How to Comfort Someone Over Text: What to Say When They Are Going Through It

When someone tells you something hard, a text is often the only thing you can send right away. Maybe they lost someone, got a bad diagnosis, or lost a job. You want to help, but you are not sure what to type. Good news: you do not need perfect words. Short, sincere, and specific beats long and polished.

Say something, even if it is short

Saying something usually beats saying nothing. Silence can feel like you do not care, even when you do. A two-line message is enough to open the door.

Messages you can copy, by situation

Someone has lost a person

• "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you."
• "I heard about [name]. I know how much you loved them. I'm here if you want to talk."
• "Would it help if I shared a memory of [name] with you? No need to reply."

Someone is sick or in pain

• "I'm sorry you're going through this. How are you doing today, if you feel like sharing?"
• "I'm not sure what to say, but I'm thinking about you. Can I drop off something this week?"

Someone got bad news (job, exam, a breakup)

• "That's really hard. You don't have to explain anything right now."
• "I'm sorry. Do you want to vent, or do you want a distraction?"

Someone is having a bad week and has not said why

• "No pressure to say why. I just wanted you to know I'm around."

Each message gives the person an easy way to answer, or to not answer. That matters more than the exact wording.

Offer something specific

"Let me know if you need anything" is hard to answer. A specific offer is easier to accept:

• "Can I drop off dinner on Thursday?"
• "I'm running errands. Can I pick anything up for you?"
• "Can I walk your dog this weekend?"

Only offer what you can really do. An offer you forget adds stress for both of you.

What to avoid

• Clichés. "Everything happens for a reason" can make the pain feel smaller.
• Minimizing. "It could be worse" can make someone feel ashamed of how they feel.
• Forced cheer. Let them feel sad, relieved, or angry. You do not need to fix the mood.
• Questions that demand an answer. "How are you holding up?" asks for a long reply. Try "Thinking of you" instead.
• A heart emoji alone. It can feel thin. Pair it with a real sentence.
• Religious lines, unless you are sure they would be welcome.
• Timelines for grief. Do not say how long it should take.

Do not demand a reply, and check in later

The person may not be ready to reply for hours, or days. That is normal. Say you will check in, and then do it:

• Tell them when you will check in. "I'll text you tomorrow afternoon" is clear.
• Check in again a week or two later. The first wave of support often fades, and that is when many people need it most.
• If they do not answer, do not take it personally. Let them know you are still there.

When text is the wrong channel

Text is good for a first message. A call or a visit can be more comforting, if the person is open to it. Ask first: "Would you like a call, or is texting easier right now?"

If someone might hurt themselves

If the person talks about ending their life, or you are worried they might be in danger, do not wait for a text back. Contact local emergency services now, or a crisis line in their country. Tell someone who can be with them in person.

Practice short, warm messages with a stranger

Getting better at short, kind texts takes practice. Olu is a free, ad-free text chat app for meeting people in other countries. One tap matches you 1-on-1 with someone in another country who is online, and every message is translated both ways. If nobody is free, you can chat with an AI instead, and it is always labelled as AI. It is for friendship and language practice, for adults 18 and older only. It is not a place to get support in a crisis. For that, see the advice above. If you want to try short, kind texts with a real person, you can start a text-only chat now. Every message is translated into the language you read.

If you want to learn to start an easy conversation first, read how to start a conversation with a stranger. For more openers, see conversation starters for online chat.